Relationship matters on Yspot with Jane Inyang

It's Jane Inyang on Relationship matters today and she will be shedding some light on Love Languages. Just read on.......

Ever wondered why a friend of yours seemed excited over a gift you got him or her yet another seemed to care less. Or why your simple affirmation of your partner’s positive actions drew a response of ‘I love you; from him yet doing his laundry went unnoticed? It’s simple, every human being has a love language he understands, and when spoken makes them feel loved. 

Every individual is born with unique traits. In early childhood development, each child develops unique emotional patterns (Dr Gary Chapman). Some children develop a pattern of low self-esteem whereas others have healthy self-esteem. Some develop emotional patterns of insecurity while others grow up feeling secure. Some children grow up feeling loved, wanted and appreciated while others grow up feeling unloved, unwanted and unappreciated. Depending on the experiences of a child, he or she develops a primary emotional love language based on their psychological makeup and the way their parents or other significant persons expressed love to them.

These developed primary love language follows us through to adulthood and we cannot feel truly loved except at such times when our love language is spoken. My pastor, Rev Femi Oduwole, once gave a story that perfectly illustrates this. He had missed a connecting flight from South Africa to Nigeria at Cameroon but his luggage were still on the plane. He walked up to one of the airline attendants and in his best voice and choice of words explained the incident to her. When he was done speaking; she replied in perfect French and said what seemed like ‘I don’t understand you’. No matter how courteous he was to her, it was lost to her because he wasn’t speaking her language. It’s the same with our partner or friend; our love might be lost on them if we aren’t speaking their love language.

Your relationship may be going through stress right now because you aren't making your partner feel loved and you know you have done all you know to do to express your love for her or him. The challenge might just lie in the fact that you are not speaking his/her love language. Like the example I gave about my pastor, it didn't matter that his grammar was polished, the airline attendant didn't understand because that wasn't her language.

According to Dr Gary Chapman, there are five basic emotional love languages namely;

1. Words of affirmation

Some people feel loved when they are affirmed. This can be done in several ways; by giving verbal compliments, encouraging words, kind and humble words. Verbal compliments are powerful communicators of love. Do you remember how saying “You look beautiful in that dress” or “red suits you” brought a big smile to her face and made her wear dresses in red more? Or how acknowledging that he had cleaned the house made him do it for the rest of the week?

While some others just need you to encourage them and speak kind words to them. This helps them reach their full potential. Heartfelt words said in the right tone can make your partner feel loved.

2. Quality time

According to Dr Gary Chapman, Quality time means giving someone your undivided attention and a central aspect of this is togetherness. Togetherness doesn't mean proximity because two people can be in the same room and not be together. Rather it has to do with forced attention.

Quality time has two basic dialects; quality conversation and quality activities.

Has your partner ever complained that you do not talk to him/her?  They may not mean that you do not say a word, but may mean that you seldom take part in direct focused dialogue.

You will be showing love for your partner whose love language is quality time by spending time in conversation with the person, focus on drawing the person out, listening sympathetically to what he or she has to say, asking questions not in a detective manner but with a genuine desire to understand his/her thoughts, feelings and desires.

If you feel loved when your partner does an activity with you, then this is likely your love language. Quality activities may include doing things that your spouse (if this is her love language) enjoys doing. It most times isn't what you would love to do but the emphasis is not on what you are doing but on why you are doing it. It could be an evening stroll, planting flowers together, watching movies, going to concerts or as strange as doing a bible study together, but this provides a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead.

3. Receiving gifts

Giving gifts is fundamental to love. Gifts are visual symbols of love but this is more important to some people than to others. Remember how your fiancée wore that sandal you bought her almost everyday until it got bad? Or how he told everyone that you got him the t-shirt he is wearing? Receiving gifts is most likely his or her love language. It could be material things or the gift of self. 

For material things, trust me it must not be expensive. For the one whose love language is receiving gifts, the thought of getting something for him/her is enough except of course its common knowledge that you can afford something better but have consistently chosen not to. It could be handmade, a flower growing by the road side. It could be a nice dress or a set of beautiful diamond jewellery. It must not be on special occasions and could simply be fruits on your way to visit her/him.

You may say you don't know what she'd like or how to get these gifts. In this case, ask his/her closest friend or siblings or listen to him/her talk, you will get a hint of what he or she likes or needs at the moment. 

Give your partner the gift of yourself. It isn't enough to shower the person with material gifts and be absent. As much as possible, be present on special events, this will also show you are proud of your partner

4. Acts of Service

Everyone knows to how fulfill their chores at home but some others want love expressed to them by doing things for them. For these few ones, you will be expressing love to them when you serve them or tally along as they do it.

This love language requires thought, planning, time, effort and energy. What makes it an expression of love is when it is done with a positive spirit. For those of us whose love language is acts of service, it will do us good to learn to make a request of our partner and not demand. Requests give direction to love but demands stop the flow of love (Dr Gary Chapman).

Just as other love languages have dialects so does acts of service. For some it could be preparing meals on time, doing their laundry, keeping the house clean, going shopping, helping out in personal activities, preparing the sermon with him/her. Sometimes you need to ask to find out what exactly your partners dialect is, and then do it with a positive attitude.

5. Physical Touch

Physical touch just like giving gifts is a long known way of communicating emotional love. Physical touch can make or break a relationship, it can communicate love or hate. To the person whose love language is physical touch, the message will be far louder than the words I love you or I hate you.

Physical touch is not limited to sexual intercourse. It could be as simple and chaste as a hug, a pat on the back, holding hands, putting your hands around his or her shoulders e.t.c.

The beautiful aspect of love languages is that we understand at least one. This makes it easy to keep the flame of your relationship burning. Interestingly, just as opposite temperaments attract, so do people with different love languages. If you find yourself having a different love language from your partner, you have to learn your partner's language.

The trick in knowing your partner's love language lies in the fact that we express love to people like we want it expressed to us. Does that ring a bell? You are likely doing all the things to her that makes you feel loved. Well get to know about the basic love languages, decipher yours and that of your partner, start speaking it.

While this isn't always easy because it most times doesn't come naturally to us, when done, it shows how much you love and cherish your partner. Understand that speaking your partner's language should be a choice you make daily. Wishing you the best in your relationship!

Until we meet again, this is Jane Inyang on Yspot!