Relationship matters with Bee Jaiye - My Idea about Marriage

Morning peeps, First I would like to apologise for the recent fluctuations in our posting timing. we are working on it and I beleive there will be a difference in the coming week with Gods help.

In the house today we have Bunmi Jaiyeola- Bee Jaiye tell us about her Idea on Marriage. I read this and I'm like wowwww! It make sense-true talk Bee Jaiye. I was really inspired.

I was at a wedding recently and got talking to a friend of a friend, and the inevitable question about my marital status came up. ‘I’m not married’ I said. He seemed to be rather surprised, and said ‘It’s weird because when I see beautiful girls like you that’s single I sometimes ask myself what’s wrong with her, why hasn’t she been scooped up?’. I had to mentally restrain myself from head-butting him right in the middle of the wedding! After several calming breaths, I explained to him that I wasn’t married because I hadn’t found the right one yet, and I’d rather take my time and be happily married rather than marry in a hurry and be in a marital prison. In spite of my better judgment we talked some more and he agreed with my opinion, and I realized that he actually didn’t mean it in a bad way. Sadly he’s not alone with his reasoning. Several times I have overheard conversations where no matter how accomplished a woman is, the fact that she may be over 25 and unmarried means there’s something seriously wrong with her. Till today I still struggle to understand that concept.

 A few years ago I remember my friend told me about an aunty of hers who is a lawyer. She was intelligent, good-looking and good-natured; you would’ve expected her to be the pride of her parents’ right? Well not in this case. See she was about to turn 35 and wasn’t married, and that was something her parents found terribly shameful. It got so bad that her parents were desperately looking for ‘marriage ready’ men to marry their daughter. Eventually a marriage was ‘arranged’ trust me when I say she is not enjoying the marriage, her husband just doesn’t compliment her in any way. But I was upset because it seemed that all of her achievements were irrelevant because she wasn’t married. And I thought, why is it that even till today, it seems as though the height of a woman’s achievement in life is marriage?

 I’m sure we can all recall a conversation (or two) we’ve had or overheard where a certain woman’s achievements have been discussed, and then someone says ‘but she’s not married’ and then you hear the ‘eyaas’ *what's that*. I get it every now and then; it starts off with ‘you’ve done well in your career, but you better go and get married’ as though getting married is the ultimate goal in my life! Don’t get me wrong, a lot of people that know me will tell you that I am very much the hopeless romantic, and getting married is definitely part of my plans, but is it the ultimate goal? No! The ‘you better go and get married’ speeches infuriate me, and I so want to scream ‘is that the only reason I’ve been put on this earth?!!’. Surely in terms of achievements a woman can have in her life, ‘getting married’ should not be the number 1 goal? It is definitely one of the important ones for me, but the main one? Naahh.

After several discussions/arguments with my dear mother *believe me when I say she is the best*, I think she finally understands my views. She is very proud of me, no doubt. But almost every time we attend a wedding together we tend to have the same conversation. It starts off with her saying in Yoruba ‘We’ll do your own like that’, to which I respond ‘Amen o’. Then she looks at me and says ‘when will that be exactly?’ It took me a while to master the correct response, but now I simply say ‘When I’ve found the right one’. We then go back and forth with her thinking I’m too focused on my career, to which I now respond ‘Do you want me to get married just because society thinks I should or do you want me to marry the right person and be happy?’. For extra measure I’ll add ‘I can find and marry someone in 6 months if you want, but chances are I’ll probably move in with you in about 3 years if things don’t work out (This response tends to win me the argument). Then she is like God forbid, and am like "when the right man comes around, you would know" #skikenah# (Thats final).

 I got talking with a good friend of mine some few days back and he actually opened my eyes to what it takes to be married. I tell a lot of people, if we prepare so much ƒσя our marriage like the way we prepare ƒσя the wedding day, then we won't be having issue's of divorce here and there. "I remember his words that day" He said Bee we can't afford to make any mistake in marriage like our parents did, there should be a difference between us and people of the world. Yes! We are in the world, but we are not of the world. Then this got me pondering on so many thoughts about marriage. Then I compared marriage to a journey, a journey, unlike a simple trip, is a massive undertaking that requires planning and preparation as well as a sense of adventure. Journeys are susceptible to a myriad or variable that the traveler cannot control or completely avoid. Finally, a journey wears on, travelers should either expect to stray off the map or abandon it altogether. 

 All of my married friends have that one piece of advice ‘take your time, don’t rush into it’. A good friend recently confided in me and told me how important getting married to her had been. She had been obsessed with getting married before she hit the big “30”.  She got married when she was 26. In retrospect however, she felt as though she should have waited. Waited to make sure that this person was the right one for her, rather than let herself be motivated by the ‘I must marry before I’m 30’ fear.

 I must admit, it’s hard to stand by your guns and not give in to the ‘you must marry to validate yourself as woman’ pressure, but then I think about it like this, if I make a rushed or ill-informed decision on who to marry, will the ones that are putting the pressure on me come to my rescue and get me out of the situation, or will I be forced to grin and bear it? So this is my outlook, ladies if you are able to find and marry your soul-mate straight out of school/university, that’s great, but if things don’t happen that way, it’s still ok to take your time and wait for the right one, not ‘Mr Perfect’ (because he most likely doesn’t exist) but ‘Mr Right for You’ – remember God’s time is best. Most importantly, if you have achieved a lot in your life and are of good character, don’t let anyone let you feel less about yourself because you aren’t married!

Then finally I compared marriage to a ship sailing across the ocean, for the journey to be successful there needs to be a captain, a compass, a source of power and an anchor. There also need to be provisions and adequate supplies...

Bee Jaiye

Incase you are wondering who Bee Jaiye is, her profile was showcased weeks back on Generation De Next right on this blog. You can have a look by checking our previous posts on Generation De Next. She's Gods master piece and an artwork made fearfully, wonderfully and perfectly.....wink. Have a Great weekend!